Wow this is a scary post, makes me feel sick thinking about writing this, but I keep telling people about the importance of talking and so here I am feel incredibly vulnerable letting you all in. If you are currently in a good mood, I would probably advise to skip this post right now as it’s pretty deep. Also I wish I was bringing you a bit of positivism especially in times like this, but I just want to be real with you. You guys said you wanted to see more mental health posts, so here it is. I guess I’m telling you this because if I can just help one person, then that makes me happy, and I guess in a weird way, kind of makes going through all this a little bit better. I was diagnosed with depression September last year, but it had been going on for a bit longer, I knew something wasn’t right but just had no idea what, and I have and still feel incredibly embarrassed about it, like it comes to something when you need pills to be happy right? I think there is a lot of people as well who think, well your on pills now so you’re cured, it couldn’t be further from the truth.
Depression is an illness, any kind of mental health issue is an illness. Just because it’s an invisible one, doesn’t mean its not as important as a visible one.
Depression isn’t feeling sad or down, although you do feel extreme sadness, it feels so much more severe than that, so I’ll talk to you a bit about that. A common feeling for me is the feeling of getting no joy from life. Will I be happy again? Struggling to see any positives, and not enjoying things I once enjoyed. Thinking to yourself what is the point in carrying on anymore because you can’t see how you would get any pleasure out of life in the future, and certainly not now. Which leads me on to saying I struggle to concentrate on things, making any kind of decision can seem unbearable sometimes, and also another thing I noticed was, I’m usually very good at following what’s going on when it comes to TV and films, but I just can’t concentrate at times, I just feel like I can’t think clearly.
The biggest feeling I experience is feeling like a failure and worthless. Just feeling like absolute nothing and that your just existing. I find it very hard to see positive qualities in myself and I feel like I’ve wasted so many years of my life already on just failing, not making the most of life and the best way I can describe it is, feeling non existent in your own body. Then there’s the feeling of feeling completely emotionless. I’ve had some pretty good things happen to me and people would ask me how I feel about it, and I’d literally feel no emoticon and like I don’t care or I am ungrateful, but it’s not that at all, I just have no feelings at times. Feeling nothing. People never leave the house without their phone or favourite makeup product, A common thing I never leave the house without, is putting on a fake smile.
I remember when the doctor diagnosed me with depression, and I can remember the whole appointment so vividly. I went because I was battling with my mind, and I wasn’t winning anymore. I never thought I would hear these words said to me about me ever. I still now, don’t like saying the word out loud, let alone type it. I am on medication and that is something I’m not proud of, it makes me feel incredibly weak as a person, but they help me. The thing I battle a lot with, is just accepting it. I just want to pretend its not part of me, block it out, pretend it doesn’t exist within me. Almost 9 months on and I still want to be in denial of the fact that this is part of who I am, and there is absoloutely nothing wrong with that.
This post is the most terrifying thing I’ve wrote to date, excluding family, there is only like 5 people I’ve told about this. I feel like if I tell people, they are going to think I’m being a drama queen, and making something bigger than what it is. Another thing that puts me off, is I think people thinks it means like your never happy at all as well, which is not the case, depression is like the weather. The reason why I am writing this is because if I’m honest, it’s actually helped me writing it down, which I didn’t think would. Most importantly though, I hope it helps some of you, especially in these current times, I know it can feel even more lonely than normal. We need to stop the subject of depression being such a taboo.
I have depression, but I’m not giving up.