This is not going to be easy for me, but I know its the right thing to do. One in four women and one in six men will be affected by domestic abuse in their lifetime. If we went by the number of followers on this blog, I have nearly 1400 followers. This would means 350 women or 233 men from those figures could or have suffered from abuse in relationships. Now I’m not saying that is the case but that’s an example, and this is why I’m opening up with you all. Ever since lockdown, it’s been a major big worry of mine that this is going to rise, and it has done. I have a platform to raise awareness about this, and I need to use it. I’ve always said, all I want to do in life is help people, and if I didn’t bring myself to do this, as hard as it is, I know I’d regret it.
Let me tell you my story.
I have been in 2 abusive relationships, verbal and physical. The second time hurt more than the first time. I have told that person absoloutely everything, literally poured my whole heart out, and that isn’t easy for me. I told him what had gone on in my previous relationship, he promised me he would never be like that, then history repeated itself and I feel broken as a person.
I trusted him.
Wow. I thought the depression post was hard, but this is a new level. I know I don’t have to do this, but I just hope if someone is reading this and going through this, just get help. I know it’s easier said then done, but honestly when it’s safe to do so, do it. I’m going to open up with some things that I’ve experienced in the hope that if you are going through something like this, then you can see that it’s wrong and it is abuse. I’ve been there, I didn’t feel like the verbal abuse was abuse but it is.
Imagine being told your hated and no wonder why you don’t have many friends. Imagine being told you made up your first abusive relationship, but at the same time you deserved it too. As well as this, you’ve also made up your depression and anxiety, but your also a psycho and need to be put in a mental hospital. Imagine having things thrown at you, being shouted at in the face, being pushed about, dragged across the floor, hands being caught in doors, someone squaring up to you, pinned down restrained from moving, being bruised etc. Imagine someone grabbing dirty underwear and then holding your head and then rubbing it in your face. Imagine being told that you cry and have panic attacks for attention. Imagine being sat in the bathroom with tablets, making a list of reasons to stay and reasons to go. Imagine being repeatedly called names like the C word, which by the way I absoloutely cannot stand, these people knew this as well, but I got called it anyways. This is why I say to people call me what you want because I’ve had so much worse. Imagine being refused to leave your own house. Imagine being told you are nothing.
Imagine telling someone you think they have it in them to kill you one day.
That’s only some of it.
I remember one year an argument happened on boxing day. Those who know me, know that I love Christmas so much, like its my favourite favourite time of year. However that’s a bit different now. Long story short, a massive argument happened, and the tree got smashed to bits. I now find it hard to get excited for Christmas, and that hurts because like I said, I love it so much. I can’t force that feeling though, I’ve tried, but it doesn’t work. Every time there was something happening, Birthday’s, Christmas, New Years, Holidays, weekends away, it would get ruined. The amount of money I’ve spent (not that its about that) on both relationships in the past, because I think it would make them happy, and they would be nice to me, is ridiculous. Did it work? No.
Deep down I knew this was wrong. The minute I started to screenshot messages, and take pictures of bruises, tells me I knew this wasn’t right. Sometimes though, you feel like you are in more danger leaving, than you are staying. I will never forget the screaming, the torrential crying, the pain my heart physically felt. How lost I was. Its left scars on my heart.
I honestly don’t know how or what I will be like in another relationship, and I feel really sorry for the person who chooses to deal with that. Can I really love a man after previous relationships? I’m not trying to tarnish men all with the same brush. I still have hope and I have seen it for myself. The thing is I’m very good at brushing things under the carpet, I just try and get on with it, but not actually take time to process the trauma. Hoping it will be alright, when deep inside its not. Wondering what I did so wrong to deserve all that? Am I really that bad of a person? Is it me? This has happened twice now. It’s not something that will ever go away. Things will trigger the horrible memories off. Unfortunately words stick. I feel mentally drained, but I will get through this, and anyone who is suffering, male and female, you will get through this too.
So I was going to do some online shopping today, but I’ve decided against that. Instead what I’d usually spend on an order, I’m going to donate to a charity instead, that helps support men and women who have and are going through this. It’s completely up to you, but if you would like to join me and donate, no matter how small it is, I will leave some links down below for you to do that. Every little bit helps and now more than ever they need our help because they are stretched. They are struggling to keep their helplines running. Since lockdown the calls being recieved have gone up by 50%. We need to build a future where domestic abuse is not tolerated.
6 years I’ve spent in abusive relationships. Don’t be like me.
My email is always open: firstname.lastname@example.org