Hey everyone, its been a while hasn’t it? I feel like I’m always apologising on here, and rightly so, I’ve hardly kept up with blogging for years. The thing is, it’s not that I don’t want to blog, I do, I enjoy writing, I just feel like I don’t have anything good to write about, and although I’m so thankful that so many of you have stuck around, I really don’t get why, as I feel like I let you guys down. Also hello new followers, I’m hardly selling keeping you here am I, but I see you, and welcome!
So what’s new you may ask? Well I can’t believe I’m 26 next month, and it really terrifies me. With my birthday coming up it’s made me reflect more on the past, which is never a good thing. Time has become such a big thing to me all of a sudden, and when I look back at the last 7 years, I have wasted a lot of time on things and mostly people. I never ever thought I’d say this but I have come to hate birthdays now. I think to myself I only have 4 years of my 20’s left and that isn’t a lot of time, but at the same time I want to make the most of them, as I feel like people tell you to do everything in your 20’s. I suddenly feel like I’m “old” yet I’m constantly being told I’m “young”. I kind of feel like right now I’ve just been living but not actually living, does that make sense? That has been incredibly hard to change because of Covid, none of us have been able to live our lives as we use to know them. With restrictions being eased more and more, I am hoping this is going to help me get out of this situation.
As you can tell I have got myself in a bit of a rut. Anyone else felt like this? I think I stick too much pressure on things, its a bit of a weird one. For example with blogging I have so much motivation and I’ve really been trying to gather ideas, which I now have a list on my phone, then as soon as I sit down and put hands to keyboard, its like all this self doubt arrives, and then I just stare into space like the possum from Fantastic Mr Fox.
The thing is its easy to get into a rut but hard to get out of one. It just kind of feels like I don’t know where my life is going right now, and I have absolutely no idea where this feeling has come from. The worst thing about it is, I can’t really bring myself to care. I have lots of ideas and things I want to do and sort out, but have no idea where to begin to tackle it. They are all good things as well like posts for this blog, trips away, raising money for charities, but I go to sit down and starting planning them, and then I’m like actually no I don’t feel like doing this. I then end up moving from one thing to another, going through this same mindset and achieving nothing. It is no secret that I struggle with my mental health, and maybe this is an unwanted flare up, especially now a lot of restrictions are lifted, but I just feel so stuck in the sand.
So what do I do? Well for starters I am going to accept the situation I am in. This is where I am at right now, no point in trying to fight it and thinking that tomorrow I will feel much better. I am also going to try and be kinder to myself and not blame myself for feeling the way I do. I also want to work out why I am feeling the way I am. I think I may know, like I mentioned above, my birthday coming up in a few weeks has made me reflect on my life journey so far and also lockdown has been tough which I am sure many of you can relate too. I went out for a meal last Sunday and I just went into panic mode ever since I said yes to it. Like I wanted to go, but I’ve always said it, if I don’t do something for a long time, the anxiety kicks in, and that’s what happened. I am finding it hard to reintroduce myself to normal things that I used to do before lockdown, and it might sound silly but forgetting how to socialise with people. I don’t know if this will help but in case some of you are feeling the same way, over the next few days I am going to write a list of things that bring me joy to life. I am also going to write a list of what makes me unhappy and stressed. Then I think that will help me workout where things aren’t going so well for me.
Another thing I am going to do is set some goals. This to me can be quite a dangerous thing as someone who doesn’t take to failure as well, doesn’t take to not achieving goals very well either. The plan is to realistically think what I can achieve, and set goals that are going to give me a sense of purpose. I won’t be setting anything for 3/4/5 years ahead of now, but rather what I can achieve yearly. Another thing if your a long time reader here you might remember that I don’t like to set goals at the start of the year, but rather from one birthday to the next instead.
Selfcare is also an important thing we all need to give ourselves. Whether that is reading a chapter of a book you wanted to start every night or putting on a facemask etc. There are also things in our routine we may not even realise we can change like getting plenty of sleep, eating a balance diet, and exercise more, which apart from the sleep, I already do the other two. I must admit exercise is a gamechanger, it might not sound very appealing, but it can really make a difference to your mood. Lastly I think I need to try and change my routine up a bit.
Even though I am feeling this way right now, I do feel positive that I am going to get out of it, and if you feel the same way at the moment, you aren’t alone. If you have been through a rut and come through to the other side, what helped you?