Trigger Warning: This post discusses domestic abuse, coercive control, emotional and psychological abuse, physical violence and the impact abuse can have on survivors and those supporting them. Some content may be difficult to read, particularly for anyone with personal experience of abuse.
It was the 18th of April 2020 when I left. I remember there being a lot of talk about COVID, and if I’m completely honest, I wasn’t expecting lockdown to happen. It wasn’t until he came home and told me his workplace was closing that I realised how serious things were. I felt a knot in my stomach because I knew there was a chance my workplace would close too. A few days later, lockdown was announced, and I felt so sick. The thought of being at home with him every single day, without knowing how long it would last, was unnerving. Around two weeks into lockdown, things started getting really difficult. We were arguing daily, and I was struggling. I knew I wasn’t doing well at all, so I decided to reach out to my nan. It was so difficult knowing what to do. I was trying to follow the COVID rules, but at the same time, I was living in a situation that was becoming increasingly unbearable. I felt trapped, and I didn’t know how much longer I could carry on like that. Reaching out to my nan was significant because it was the first time I started telling someone some of the details of what was actually happening behind closed doors. Things had been building up for a while.
The day before I left, we had an argument because I had apparently looked at him funny. Then came the day I walked out. I can’t remember exactly what had happened that day. I just know it was something small that he was angry with me about, and I remember saying, “I’m done.” I don’t think he believed me. He went upstairs, and that was when I decided to get out of the house. I didn’t have a plan. I just knew I needed to leave. As soon as I got outside, I called my nan. I was panicking and didn’t know what to do next. I needed help figuring out where to go and what was going to happen. That was how I ended up at my parents’ house. On the 18th of April 2020, I finally walked away from the relationship, but getting out of the house was only the beginning.
Imagine someone you love sitting in front of you and telling you that their partner is hurting them. I knew this would be a shock to my parents. Apart from the times my mum had witnessed him messaging me when we were out, I hadn’t spoken about any of it. That’s one of the reasons I was so worried about saying anything. It wasn’t just because he had told me that no one would believe me. It was also because I had gone so long without saying a word. Why had I waited until now? What if they wondered why I hadn’t said anything sooner? If everything was my fault, what if they saw it that way too? These were the kinds of thoughts going through my head when I finally started talking about what was happening. What I needed most in that moment was to feel listened to, and I was fortunate to receive that from my parents. I don’t know what made me talk that day. I think I was just so desperate that I knew I couldn’t keep everything to myself any longer, and I’m so glad I did. When I told them, my dad went over to speak to him. I told my parents that the relationship was definitely over and that there was no way I was going back to that house while he was still living there. I had finally told someone what was happening, and I knew I couldn’t go back to living like that.
When someone comes to you and tells you they’re experiencing abuse, please believe them. It takes a lot for someone to speak about something like this. Listen to them, and please don’t dismiss or discredit what they’re telling you. I’m glad I spoke to my parents first, because I’m not sure I would have spoken up any further if I’d gone to my best friend first. When I messaged her, she left me on read. We didn’t speak again after that. That hurt a lot. I don’t know what was going through her mind or why she didn’t respond, but I do know how it felt to reach out and not get a reply. When you’re already frightened of not being believed, a response like that can make it even harder to open up again. Your reaction can influence whether someone feels able to speak about their experiences any further, and whether they feel safe enough to reach out for support again. You don’t need to investigate their story before deciding they deserve support. You don’t need to understand every detail of what happened to believe that someone is frightened and needs someone to listen.
Their story might not make complete sense to you at first. There may be a lot of emotion, confusion and fear involved, and it might be difficult for them to explain everything clearly. They might not be ready to tell you everything, either, but they’re coming to you with something deeply personal, and they’re trusting you enough to share it. Please hear them out. You might not understand why they’ve stayed in the relationship, and you might not agree with the decisions they make next, but that doesn’t mean they don’t deserve your support. Sometimes, you don’t need to have all the answers. You don’t need to fix everything or know exactly what to say. Sometimes, simply listening without judgement can make more of a difference than you realise.
As I said in my post yesterday, one of the most hurtful questions you can ask someone experiencing abuse is, “Why don’t you just leave?” I knew I needed to leave. I just didn’t know how. That question can make it sound as though leaving is easy, as though staying is simply a choice someone is making. It can dismiss everything they’ve been through and overlook the reasons they might feel unable to leave. Leaving isn’t as simple as walking out of the door. There might be financial dependence, somewhere else to live to consider, or children and pets to think about. They might be frightened of what their partner will do if they try to leave. They might have been threatened, physically hurt or made to believe that leaving will put them in even more danger. There are so many reasons why someone might feel trapped, and then there’s the impact the abuse has on you as a person. When you’ve been constantly controlled, criticised and made to feel worthless, you can lose yourself. Your confidence can be at rock bottom, and you might no longer believe you’re capable of managing things on your own. You might know that you need to get out, but have no idea where to start. You might be frightened of what will happen if you try, or feel so worn down that finding a way forward seems impossible.
That was how I felt. I knew I needed to leave, but knowing that and feeling able to do it were two very different things. Asking someone why they don’t just leave can make them feel as though they’re being blamed for their situation. It can add to the shame and self-doubt they’re already experiencing and make them less likely to speak openly about what is happening. They don’t need to be made to feel that they’re doing something wrong by not leaving. They need someone who will listen, take their fears seriously and help them understand that they don’t have to work everything out alone. Instead of asking, “Why don’t you just leave?”, try asking, “What are you most worried might happen if you leave?” or, “What can I do to help you feel safer?” You might not be able to fix the situation for them, but you can help them feel less alone in it. You don’t have to understand why someone stays to offer them support. You just have to recognise that leaving might be far more complicated, frightening and difficult than it looks from the outside.
Sometimes, you don’t need someone to fix everything. You just need someone to sit beside you and remind you that you’re not imagining it. When I think about what would have helped me when I started talking about my abuse, there are a few things that stand out. The first is simply hearing someone say, “I’m here for you.” When you’ve felt alone for so long, knowing that you have someone you can talk to means a lot. It’s a reminder that you don’t have to keep everything to yourself anymore, and that someone is willing to listen when you need them. Another thing that can help is hearing someone say, “We’ll sort it together.” There’s a real sense of relief in knowing that you don’t have to figure everything out on your own. You might not know what to do next, where to turn or how to make things better, but knowing that someone is willing to stand beside you can make things feel a little less overwhelming. It’s not about that person taking over or making decisions for you. It’s about knowing that you have support while you work out what you need. Another thing that can make a difference is hearing, “None of this is your fault. You don’t deserve what you’ve been through.” When you’ve been repeatedly told that everything is your fault, you can start to believe it. You can begin to feel responsible for the other person’s behaviour and reactions, even when you haven’t done anything wrong. Hearing those words from someone else can help ease some of that guilt. It might take time to believe them, especially when you’ve spent so long being made to feel otherwise, but it’s important to hear them.
Finally, “You don’t have to explain everything right now.” This is something I think is particularly important. When you’ve been through abuse, trying to talk about it can feel overwhelming. You might not know where to start, what to say or how to explain everything that has happened. From my own experience, I think there’s also a feeling that you have to get everything out in order to be believed. You might feel that you need to explain every detail so that the other person understands just how bad things were, but you shouldn’t have to tell your entire story in one sitting to deserve support. You can share as much or as little as you’re comfortable with. You can take your time, come back to things later or decide that you’re not ready to talk about certain experiences yet. You don’t have to prove that you’ve been hurt in order to deserve kindness, understanding and support. Sometimes, the most helpful thing you can do is give someone the space to speak at their own pace, remind them that you believe them and let them know that you’re there when they’re ready.
When someone you care about is being abused, it’s understandable to want to protect them and get them away from the situation. You might feel angry, frustrated or frightened for them, but it’s important to remember that supporting someone doesn’t mean making their decisions for them. Abuse takes away someone’s sense of control, and they need to be able to make their own decisions when they’re ready and able to do so. You can offer support, help them explore their options and remind them that they don’t have to face everything alone. You might not always understand their decisions, but please don’t let that stop you from being there for them. Sometimes, knowing that someone will still be there without judging them can make all the difference.
You don’t need to have all the answers when someone tells you they’re being abused. You don’t need to fix everything or know exactly what to say. Listen to them. Believe them. Remind them that it isn’t their fault, and let them know that they’re not alone. You might think that a few reassuring words aren’t enough to make a difference, but when someone has spent so long feeling frightened, isolated and alone, knowing that someone cares can mean more than you realise. Sometimes, the most important thing you can do is make sure they know they have someone they can turn to, without fear of being judged.
Tomorrow, I’ll be talking about what happens after you survive abuse, because leaving doesn’t mean everything immediately becomes okay. Rebuilding your life and finding yourself again can take time, too.
🧡 Support and Resources
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse, support is available.
National Domestic Abuse Helpline (UK)
📞 0808 2000 247
🌐 Refuge National Domestic Abuse Helpline
🌐 Women’s Aid
🌐 Men’s Advice Line
Amy x
