I Think It’s Time We Talked

*deep breaths* where do I start. I have been a let down on this blog, for the last couple of months and I really do apologize.

A short while ago I went to the doctors because I didn’t really know what was going on with myself. So I have anxiety. Not a big deal. Not an excuse. I’m not entirely sure how I feel about posting this either, maybe a relief? Some examples of it is I know this is going to sound completely silly but the other day at work I was walking down the factory and my shoe lace came undone, and this completely put me on spot, because I knew I had to do it and I felt like everyone in the factory was going to be staring at me.

Your probably thinking to yourself why is this such a big issue? Well its because the best way I can describe it to you, its like a fear of being embarrassed. This happened 3 days ago and yet it still plays on my mind. Other situations could be if I’m talking to you and I mess up what I’m saying or if I feel like I’ve offended you, this could play on my mind not just all day, but up to a week. I even think about things that come up in my mind from weeks ago or months ago and it triggers it off. I also panic if there is huge crowds, one time I went to Meadowhall and had to come out and sit in the car for 10 minutes, because it was all just too much and it panicked me. However I also panic when there’s no one around. Today I walked home from work and someone was behind me and I immediately felt like I couldn’t breath because I felt so uneasy, but that poor person could of just been walking home too. I also have to have a plan for everything and lots of lists. I do get really disheartened when plans change, I hate the unexpected. Talking of the unknown, I also don’t like changes of routine. Sometimes I get panic attacks, other times I just get boiling hot, start sweating, dry mouth, very irritable etc. I could sit all day telling you different things that trigger it off but I don’t want to bore you…

Anyways my mood can be very up and down and my boyfriend is completely amazing and I can’t thank him enough for his patience and being understanding. through everything, it must be very frustrating. The thing is with my blog, I moderate every single comment I get, as much as I get a lot of lovely comments, I also get a few bad ones. People will comment saying I look fat, and put weight on, I also get told my blog is boring and I’m wasting my time. These are the sort of things that will play and play and play on my mind and these are the things that make me feel like my blog isn’t good enough and make me want to stop blogging, and shut myself off.  Now it probably makes sense as to why you have hardly seen any posts from me these last few months. I need to find my mojo back and until then, posts are just going to be at random. I only want this blog to be positive for everyone and I want to make good posts. There’s no point in me posting 5 days a week and not have my heart in the posts. I rather do a few posts, when my heart is in the right place and create good quality content, or at least try, and eventually get back to 5 posts a week.

I like blogging, in fact I love it. I love how friendly most of us are to eachother and how supportive we are with eachother, who wouldn’t want to get involved in something like this? People’s words do hurt though, and I’m sure I’m not the only one to have experienced this. I appreciate every single one of you who read my blog, who take time to follow me and your lovely comments. To those that just joined? I’m sorry, this isn’t my usual type of post, but I wanted to be honest. I hope everyone has a lovely weekend, and I’ll see you next time.

A x