I don’t know how many times I’ve tried to write this post now and just deleted it. The thing is, only a small handful of people know and so that means that when people who know me ready this, it’s probably going to be a bit of a shock. I don’t go shouting about it, its not an accessory that I like to have and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. However if talking about it helps just one person, then I’m happy to talk. This year is the year for honesty from me, and I’m an honest person anyways, but when your hiding something mentally, its quite easy to just choose what you want to show people. I want to inspire people and I want to help people, people like you guys. Which is why I’m about to tell you what I’m going to tell you.
I have anxiety.
So what is Anxiety?
Well if you don’t know, and that’s perfectly fine, your basically living in fear. I find there’s people who think they know but don’t really understand the deeper meaning behind it, and that’s why I’m going to share with you some of what causes mine. So not only do you live in fear but you also worry about future events or even past events too actually, which is a bit more complicated but I shall try and explain later on. Another side of anxiety is you can also feel very tense. Everyone will probably experience this at least once in their life but this ranges from mild to severe. There’s a few different varieties of anxiety but the one I’ve been told by a doctor I have, is GAD. Generalized Anxiety Disorder. This means there’s nothing specific that causes my anxiety, and it affects me most days.
How does Anxiety make you feel?
This is the worst part. For me I get quite a few different symptoms, sometimes they can all come at once, other times I’ll only get a few of them and then I’ll only get one, which is the worst of them all and it terrifies me. The ones I get regular almost every time is, feeling constantly on edge, restlessness, not being able to sleep, feeling exhausted from worrying, irritable, really hot flushes, horrible feeling in my tummy, headaches, muscle pain, my heart beats really fast, and feeling sick. Occasionally I get the shakes and feel dizzy. The worst one of them all though is panic attacks. Panic attacks are so horrible, its extremely scary and I actually find it quite hard to talk about them. You lose all self control and they feel like they are going on for ages.
The symptoms I get mentally are, the feeling of being watched or people waiting for you to trip up and laugh at you. Thinking your loosing control of everything, and this is something that has happened a lot in the last year. The feeling of things going too quickly or too slow. This is one that I’ve not actually told anyone, because it’s one that is hard to explain. Feeling completely detached from everything going around you, feeling on edge and lastly feeling like you just want to escape, or run away from the situation.
What causes Anxiety?
There are lots of things that can trigger of my anxiety in particular. It can be busy places, to even quiet places. This makes it very hard to do things on my own, and you end up relying a lot on people. There’s been times when I’ve gone out and had to come straight back home. I struggle to even pay for something at a shop sometimes. I can also get anxiety from something I’ve said or text someone, because I would overthink what I’ve sent or said and feel like they would of taken it in the wrong way, and then I will avoid that person or avoid looking at my phone for the rest of the day, but then think about it for the next week. Then when I forget about it, a few weeks later I’ll remember again and then I’ll think about it all day again. Ringing people is also another major thing for me, I don’t know why but I just can’t talk on the phone.
I also get a fear of not being good enough, or someone leaving me, not being attractive, people staring at me when they’re not, not being able to solve a problem, saying no to people, or even just being overwhelmed, its just awful. Your in a constant battle with your mind, and you know you shouldn’t have these worries but you do. I’ve not listed everything that causes my anxiety as, things that cause it still surprise me and its hard to pinpoint every single thing that has caused it. Most importantly something that I really want to stress, is sometimes I don’t even know the reason behind what causes my anxiety. Sometimes I could just feel really tense and I wouldn’t even know why, and that’s the hardest thing, is when someone’s asking you why your getting yourself in such a state, and you don’t even know yourself.
When did it start?
I don’t actually know when it started, but what I can tell you is about 2 years ago, was when it all got a lot worse. Trust me, don’t leave it as long as I did, to get it sorted, but on the other hand, it’s never too late to get help.
Ways to help anxiety?
It’s always going to be there, but there’s ways you can help to control it. Talk to someone, weather its a friend, a family member, or a doctor. I have learnt the hard way and I promise you when you talk to someone, you will feel better that you did. I’m doing it right now, telling all of you guys. You can go to therapy, and there is a CBT programme you can do online, which I found out the other day called fearfighter on NHS website. There’s also many workbooks, medication but go and see a doctor, don’t buy anything online you don’t know much about, definitely go and see a doctor for this.
There’s a method that I’ve been learning recently that’s helping me, I really want to share with you all. Just because it’s helping me though, doesn’t necessarily mean its going to help you, the same as they’ll be things that help some of you with anxiety, that doesn’t help me. There is no two anxiety orders the same.
Now get a piece of paper and a pen, this works for people with anxiety and without. Draw a chart and write A, B and C spread out. Think of a recent situation that has made you feel anxious. Write it in the A box. For example:
A – A friend of mine that I’m close to hasn’t spoken to me in a while.
Then skip down to C because your a rebel and don’t follow the alphabet. Write down in the C box how that made you feel. For example:
C- It has made me feel like I must of said something wrong to that person because they haven’t spoke to me, and that they now probably hate me.
Now go to section B. This is where you’ve got to change your negative thinking patterns. How do you know for sure that person is avoiding you? Did you even say anything bad, or are you just jumping to conclusions because you’ve just assumed that they aren’t talking to you, because of something you’ve done? That person was probably completely fine with you when you last talked, so why do you think they hate you now? For example:
B- This person works all week, has a family, and is trying to maintain a social life. They are probably just very busy, which is understandable, and will get back to you when they can.
See how easy it is for you to jump to conclusions and how the B section is most likely to be the right answer? Now if you keep using this method and putting it into your brain, you’ll be able to use this method without having to write it down, and putting it into your everyday life. We often worry about things, that can be sorted or not even worth worrying about, but what I do know is that if any of you are feeling this way, or have anxiety…
You are not alone.
I just want to say if there is anything you would like me to talk to you all about on here, then don’t hesitate to comment below or if you want to be discrete about it then send an email to firstname.lastname@example.org and I will blog on it. It can be anything. from relationships, growing up, school, or even things like the most embarrassing thing that has happened to me. Also If you are suffering from anxiety and need someone to talk to who understands, email me and I will get back to you. No spamming me with fake Michael Kors bags though!
Just a little warning, I’m going to be changing my blogging name soon, as I feel like it’s more suited for the direction I want this blog to go. It’s still me, so if you think, erm who is this in my email box? It will be me under a different name.
Don’t any of you apologize or feel embarrassed for having anxiety.
Its okay to not be okay.