Trust is such a powerful word isn’t it?
If you have a lot of people in your life, other than family, that you can truly 100% trust, you are very lucky. I think I have about 5 people I can truly trust, if that, and I don’t want people to be offended by that, because who knows who’s reading this that knows me haha. It’s just trust is not something I give freely. Especially when it comes to men. I have nothing against men either, just not very good experiences with them.
Let me explain..
From a very young age, I can remember things, that people close to me had probably of hoped that I’d forgotten, or maybe would think I was too young to remember, but they are things I can’t forget, and its why I have such a wall up. When you first meet me, you probably think I’m so difficult to talk to or seem offish, I have had this said to me numerous of times, but I am aware of what I’m like. It takes me a while to try and work someone out, whether your male or female. It’s funny how something that happened around 15 years ago, still remains so vividly in your mind. I’m not going to go into detail what happened, because some things just need to be kept private, and I don’t talk about it to anyone, but it has been since then, that my perception of men has changed.
When it comes to relationships it is not easy. It’s not that I can’t trust a man to go out or do there own thing, have girls mates etc, although I’m pretty sure I was cheated on in my first relationship but that’s another story. I’m not talking about that kind of trust at all, I’m really laid back when it comes to that. I struggle to open up to someone, so if there is something wrong, I would struggle to tell you, and it takes me a while to give all of who I am to you, because I’m so overly cautious. I’m not bad mouthing anyone, but this is why I took my last break up badly. Not because the person didn’t want me anymore, but because of the level of trust I had gave that person, when its extremely hard for me. It was like a punch to the face. Especially when that was the only person I had told non family related, as to why I am the way I am, and if I’m honest, I regret it now. I opened up to that person, more than I ever have to anyone I’ve know from a stranger.
It’s a fear of letting someone in and then them throwing it back in your face.
It felt like someone had been jumping all over my heart.
It was proof as to why I shouldn’t trust people.
I think it’s also why I can’t look people in the eyes when I talk to them either, I don’t actually know if people have noticed that, but there’s only a few people I can look at and talk to. I just get scared at letting people in, because I don’t want to show my vulnerable side to anyone.
I’m not saying I’m never going to be able to trust someone again, as I would love more than anything to be in a relationship where I can trust that person with everything. I just think it’s going to take a lot more time, as I feel like its going to be harder now, but everything happens for a reason. Everyone wants someone to love, and to be loved by someone, and when you find that right person, it must be truly magical. I’m waffling now, so I’ll end it here haha.
I’m not sure why I’m sharing this really, it just felt right. I just want people to know that if you are also someone who struggles with trust, then its okay. There’s nothing wrong with it, things happen, it change you, and that’s not your fault.