October has always been a month of change. The seasons shift, the evenings start getting darker, and we start moving towards the final part of the year. I love October for the cosy nights, lighting candles, hot chocolates, good tv shows, warm baths, the blankets come out, I can live in jumpers, and I’m probably one of the few people who actually loves the colder weather. But this October, I wanted to use my space here for something that matters deeply to me. October is widely recognised as Domestic Abuse Awareness Month, and I’ve decided that I want to dedicate part of my blog to this incredibly important subject. Domestic abuse is something that affects so many people, yet it is still a subject that can be difficult to talk about. There can be so much stigma, shame, judgement and misunderstanding surrounding it, and I think the more we talk about it, the more we can help people understand what abuse can actually look like. I think it is important that the conversation around domestic abuse remains loud, that awareness continues to be raised, and that the stigma surrounding it is reduced. Which is why, this October, I am using my voice.
I have been wanting to do this on my blog for a good few years now, but I was afraid. I wasn’t sure if I could give this subject the time, care and respect it deserves. After a lot of thinking over the last few months, I have decided that I am ready. This is not a subject I talk about lightly.
I am a survivor of domestic abuse.
Those words aren’t easy to write, but they are part of my story.
For a long time, my experience was something I carried quietly. But silence can allow misunderstanding to continue, and misunderstanding can leave people feeling alone. A common question I hear people ask is, “why didn’t you leave?” And honestly, I am not annoyed at people for asking that question. I understand why people ask it. What I would like to do is answer it from the perspective of someone who has actually been in that situation. I think these are the conversations we need to have. Not to judge, not to make survivors feel guilty, but to help people understand why leaving is often not as simple as people think. I would never want someone to feel ashamed for not leaving sooner. I want to share my story in the hope that it helps someone, even if it is just one person who feels a little less alone. I also want to make something clear. Domestic abuse does not affect only one gender. It can affect anyone. Every person’s experiences will be different, and no two stories will ever be exactly the same. That is why I want to use this month to start conversations that may help someone feel seen, understood and supported.
When people hear the words “domestic abuse”, they often picture something obvious. Something they would immediately recognise. Many survivors know that abuse can be much quieter than that. Domestic abuse is not only physical violence, visible injuries or obvious dangers. It can also include control, manipulation, intimidation, isolation, emotional abuse, financial abuse and coercive control. These aren’t always obvious signs, and some of these are things I did not understand before my own experience. You can make excuses for certain behaviours, convince yourself that something isn’t that bad, or believe that you are the one who needs to change. That they are only checking your phone because they care. That they are angry because you did something wrong. That you shouldn’t have said or done something because you know how they will react. Little by little, these things can become your normal. If we only picture bruises, violence and something that is obviously dangerous, we can miss the quieter signs. Sometimes, behind the smile, the excuses and the words “they’re not like that”, there is a person struggling with something nobody else can see.
So, what can you expect from me throughout October? Well, I want to use this month to talk about domestic abuse in a way that is honest, open and hopefully helpful. I will be sharing some of my own experiences, but I also want to talk about the things that I didn’t understand at the time. There will be some difficult conversations, and there may be things that are difficult to read. I will always try to give a little warning where I feel it is needed, because I know that everyone’s experiences and boundaries are different. I don’t want October to be completely heavy either. I still want to share some of the normal things that you would usually find here. I think that is important too, because survivors are not just their experiences. We are still ourselves. We still laugh, we still enjoy things, we still have good days and we still have a life outside of what happened to us. Throughout the month, I will also be sharing my seven days of awareness, where each day will focus on a different part of domestic abuse and hopefully start some conversations along the way. My hope is that by the end of October, we will have talked about some things that are not talked about enough. I don’t expect one month of posts to change everything, but if something I share helps someone recognise something they are experiencing, helps someone understand a loved one a little better, or simply makes one person feel less alone, then it will be worth it. This is my space, and this is my story, but I hope that by sharing it, it can become part of a much bigger conversation.
I want to say something to anyone who is reading my posts this month and seeing parts of their own experience in my words. You might be reading and thinking, “That sounds like me.” You might be remembering things that you haven’t thought about for a long time. You might still be trying to understand whether what happened to you was actually abuse. Maybe you are still in that situation. Maybe you have recently left. Maybe it happened years ago and you are still trying to make sense of it. Wherever you are, I want you to know that you are not alone. You don’t have to have everything figured out. You don’t have to be ready to talk about it. You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone, and you don’t have to feel guilty for the choices you made while you were trying to get through it. I know from my own experience that survival doesn’t always look the way people expect it to. Sometimes surviving means getting through one day at a time. Sometimes it means making excuses for someone because you are trying to keep the peace. Sometimes it means staying because leaving doesn’t feel possible. There is no right way to survive abuse. So, if you are reading this and any of it feels familiar, please be gentle with yourself. You are not weak. You are not to blame and you are not defined by what happened to you.
I know that talking about domestic abuse isn’t always easy. For some people, it may bring back memories that they would rather forget, and for others, it may be something they have never really spoken about before. I also know that I can’t speak for every survivor, because everyone’s experience is different. What I can do is share my own experience. I can talk about the things I have learned, the things I didn’t understand at the time, and the things I wish I had known. I don’t have all the answers, and I am not writing this because I think I do either. I’m writing it because I believe that talking about these things matters. I want this month to be about starting those conversations. Some of the things I share might be difficult. Some might make you look back at something in your own life differently. If that happens, I hope you know that there is no shame in that. I am sharing my story because I found myself again, and because I know how lonely and dark it can feel when you don’t understand what is happening to you. This is my story, told in my own words, and I hope that by sharing it, someone reading this feels a little less alone. Let’s start the conversation.
🧡 Support and resources
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse, support is available.
National Domestic Abuse Helpline (UK)
📞 0808 2000 247
🌐 Refuge National Domestic Abuse Helpline
🌐 Women’s Aid
.🌐 Men’s Advice Line
Amy x
