Trigger Warning: This post discusses domestic abuse, emotional abuse, coercive control, physical abuse, mental health struggles and the experiences of surviving and recovering from an abusive relationship. Some parts may be difficult to read, particularly for anyone with personal experience of abuse. Please read at your own pace and take care of yourself.
We come back to the beginning. For a long time, this was a part of my life that I kept private. Not because it didn’t matter, but because it was difficult to put into words. Telling my story has been part of reclaiming my voice. I decided to share my story publicly because the reality of how many people are affected by domestic abuse is something that cannot be ignored. Although my story will be different to many others, I wanted to share my experience for anyone who may recognise parts of their own story but doesn’t yet feel able to speak about it. I wanted to show that abuse does not always mean physical violence. As I said at the beginning of this campaign, I have wanted to make this part of my blog for years, but I was afraid of what people would think and I wasn’t sure if I was ready to open up about everything. Hearing things in the news, hearing people make jokes, and knowing how many people are affected by abuse made me realise that I wanted to use my experience to spread awareness from a survivor’s point of view.
I hope people take away from this that leaving is not simple, and that the emotional scars abuse leaves behind can last long after the relationship ends. I want people to understand that someone’s experience is not any less valid just because they haven’t experienced physical abuse. One of my biggest worries before starting these seven days was how it would be perceived. The word “attention” gets thrown around a lot, and I worried that people might question why I was sharing something so personal, but the reality is that raising awareness means having conversations that are sometimes uncomfortable. For me, that meant sharing parts of my own story. Writing these posts has actually changed how I see my experience. This week has been harder than I expected. It has brought back things that I had buried away and suppressed for a long time. There have been moments where I have found myself withdrawing from people and questioning things I thought I had already worked through. It has made me realise that some of the things I struggle with today are still connected to what I experienced back then. I don’t think I fully understood how much I had been through until I started putting it into words.
The hardest thing about domestic abuse is that so much of it happens in places other people cannot see. Throughout these seven days, there are things I have wanted people to understand. Abuse does not always look obvious. It does not always leave visible marks, and someone can appear happy, go to work, see friends and carry on with everyday life while struggling privately. Emotional abuse and coercive control can be just as damaging as physical abuse. The things people cannot see can completely change the way someone sees themselves, their confidence and their ability to trust their own thoughts. Leaving is not simple. It is not just a case of walking away. There are so many reasons why someone may feel unable to leave, and asking someone why they stayed can make them feel even more alone.
Most importantly, survivors do not deserve what happened to them. I think throughout this campaign I have made it clear how much I wanted to challenge the idea that leaving is easy. Before I experienced abuse myself, I did not understand that either. Looking back now, I wish I had known the signs of control that I dismissed as normal relationship behaviour. I wish I had understood that jealousy is not always a sign that someone cares, that constantly monitoring someone is not love, and that making someone feel afraid of their partner’s reaction is not a normal part of a relationship. I think that is why awareness matters so much, because sometimes you do not recognise what is happening while you are living through it. Sometimes it takes someone else explaining it, or seeing someone else’s story, for things to start making sense. If this campaign helps even one person recognise something they are experiencing, or helps someone support a person they care about, then sharing my story has been worth it.
This is to you. The person reading this who recognises parts of my story. The person who has questioned whether what they are experiencing is really abuse. The person who has convinced themselves that maybe they are the problem. I want you to know that you are not the problem. You are not responsible for someone else’s behaviour, their anger or the choices they make towards you. If you feel trapped, scared or confused, please talk to someone you trust when you feel able to. You do not have to explain everything perfectly. You do not have to have every detail worked out. You do not have to prove that what you have experienced is “bad enough” before you deserve support. I think one of the biggest things abuse takes from you is the belief that people will understand. You start believing that nobody will believe you, nobody will care, or that somehow you have caused what is happening, but that is what abuse does. It isolates you and makes you question yourself. The truth is, there are people who will listen. There are people who will want to help. You are not a burden for needing support. If speaking to someone you know feels too difficult right now, there are helplines and organisations available that are there to listen without judgement. I wish I knew then what I know now: I was never alone. Even when I felt completely trapped, there were people who would have wanted to help me. I just couldn’t see that at the time.
So if this is you, please remember this:
You are worthy of kindness.
You are worthy of safety.
And you deserve a life where you do not have to be afraid.
To you who suspects someone may be suffering from abuse. If someone seems different to you, ask them if they are okay, and if they say yes but something still doesn’t feel right, check in again another time. Sometimes people aren’t ready to talk the first time, but knowing someone has noticed can mean more than you realise. If someone does open up to you, listen without judgement. You don’t have to have the perfect words. You don’t need to know exactly what to say or how to fix everything. Sometimes simply being the person who listens, believes them and reminds them they are not alone can be life-changing. If someone trusts you enough to tell you what is happening, please believe them. Remember how frightening it can be to say those words out loud. It can take someone a long time to build up the courage to speak, and your reaction can affect whether they feel able to speak again. Please don’t ask someone why they stayed. Please don’t question why they didn’t leave sooner, and please don’t disappear if they aren’t ready to leave yet. Leaving is complicated, and support is needed before, during and after someone leaves. Sometimes the most important thing you can say is simply: “I believe you, and I am here for you.”
To me. I am so incredibly proud of the person I have become. For a long time, I only saw myself through the things I had been told. I believed I was difficult, that I was the problem and that I wasn’t enough, but looking back now, I see someone who survived something she never thought she would have to. I am stronger than I think. I have had to learn how to trust myself again, how to listen to my own feelings and how to believe that I deserve kindness and respect. I am proud of myself for finding my voice again. I am proud that I was able to tell this story, even when it brought back things I had tried so hard to forget.
There are still things I carry with me. Healing hasn’t meant that everything disappeared, and it doesn’t mean I never struggle, but it does mean I understand myself more. I understand why I react the way I do, and I understand that those things are not weaknesses, they are reminders of what I survived. The person I was during that relationship was trying to survive. She was doing whatever she could to get through each day. I don’t look back at her with shame anymore. I look back at her with compassion. She deserved kindness then, and she deserves kindness now. I am still rebuilding. I am still learning, but I am here, and I am proud of that.
If you have read any part of this seven-day series, thank you for taking the time to listen to my story. For a long time, this was something I carried quietly. I was scared of what people would think, scared of how it would be perceived and scared of opening up about something that had affected me so deeply, but silence is exactly what allows abuse to continue. I shared my story because I want people to understand that abuse does not always look the way we expect it to. It is not always obvious, and it is not always easy to leave. Behind closed doors, someone can be struggling with things that nobody else can see. I also shared it because I want anyone who recognises themselves in my story to know that they are not alone. You are not the things someone has made you believe you are. You are not responsible for someone else’s choices nd you deserve a life where you feel safe, valued and loved. This week has reminded me of how far I have come. I am not the same person I was then. I have found my voice again, and I am choosing to use it. This is my story, but I hope it reminds others that they have a story too, and that they deserve to be heard.
🧡 Support and Resources
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse, support is available.
National Domestic Abuse Helpline (UK)
📞 0808 2000 247
🌐 Refuge National Domestic Abuse Helpline
🌐 Women’s Aid
🌐 Men’s Advice Line
Amy x
