Sunday 31st December
It’s so easy to get caught in the moment isn’t it? You think you’ve got everything together and then bam, when you least expect it like a volcano, everything just erupts. You immediately feel like your world has been shattered in to a million pieces. I’m going to be honest, my first words was “I don’t want to be here anymore” and as hard as it probably is for people to read, half of me still feels like that, it’s just I’m good at putting a front on. Nothing can prepare you for how your about to feel after hearing the words “I can’t do this anymore” especially when there’s no warning. I wish it was all a dream, or just a big mistake. You want to believe that there’s still a chance but the other person is adamant about what they want. There’s nothing you can do.
You see, yesterday my life just stopped. My best friend of almost 4 years called it a day on me.
He is not a bad person for doing this.
The worst thing? It’s not anyone’s fault. Would you rather be cheated on, or have a relationship that’s over, due to no ones fault? His head just isn’t in it, not just for our relationship but for any kind of relationship. My heart aches. My whole body just feels tensed up, and just like its shutting down on me. I just feel like shutting down. I just feel like I’m sat in a room of people, but I’m not physically there. Time is still going on for everyone else, but its stopped for me. I don’t blame him though. I have nothing bad to say about him. I have lost majorly though. Our house, our car, our cat and the person I thought was going to be in my life forever.
A lot of people will say this is a bad thing, but we are still going to be friends. Eventually we will be able to reach a point where we can meet up, and do things that friends do. It’s something we’ve both said. None of us want one and another out of each others lives. There’s no hate involved. We know what we’re doing, no one needs to worry about that, no one is going to get hurt.
Unfortunately my comeback post to blogging, is facing heartbreak. It’s not how I pictured it to be, but that’s just the way things are. You can’t force someone to be with you. It’s not right.
So I’m starting the year off as single. It makes me sick to my stomach that I’m back to where I was almost 4 years ago. Stuck in the single category. I’ve not even said that word out loud myself yet, so my heart aches at the fact I’ve just wrote it.
Monday 1st January
I want to just delete yesterdays post but you know, if anyone is going through the same thing, maybe this will help. Your not alone. Today I’m glad that we’ve broken up for the reason that I previously stated yesterday. I’m glad its not something like being cheated on. Break ups don’t have to be full of hate and anger. Unless that person has cheated on you, then yeah forgive them, but then it is probably best to move on. There are going to be lots of opinions floating around about our choice on being friends, but we both want the same thing, we know what we are doing.
Writing this I’m feeling okay. I feel like their still might be a few tears to come. I am dreading work tomorrow, when people find out though. We both work at the same place, so when others find out, it will be hard. It’s so confusing because I’m a bit up and down. I just want people to let me get on with it, get work done and go home. None of us are going to quit our jobs, or anything like that.
I hope this helps a few people. It doesn’t have to be messy, or end badly. Think how the other person might be feeling. Its not easy for them either, they are looking like the bad person, and there is nothing I want more than people to treat him with the same concern, love and respect, as what I’m receiving now. He is not a bad guy, and is going through the completely same thing as me. I just ask for people who are reading this and know us, if you see him, continue to say hello, smile at him, continue asking him if he is alright, don’t take sides. You don’t know what that person is feeling, no matter what they show on the outside. You can move on and still have that person in your life.
I am completely done with relationships though. Its been almost 4 years I’ve been in this one and I just don’t want anything for at least a few years. Seriously though, if you are hurting because your heart is breaking, yes you are going to feel annoyed at that person, but bite your tongue and don’t send nasty messages. It may be hard to start off with, it might take weeks, or even months, but you can be friends. It hurts, it really hurts, I am going through it, but apart from how your feeling now, and for however much longer, that person is still the same person that you found made you laugh, is amazing, caring and all the good qualities you liked. Is it really worth it to be angry for a period of time, over a lifetime of friendship? I have found it in my heart to forgive him. I say forgive but he doesn’t need forgiveness, he’s still human and still has feelings, its no ones fault in my case. Memories don’t have to stop being made here, you can continue to make them as friends.
I’m not sure if I will speak about this in a post anymore this week, it is very personal and I made sure with him first that he read this, and if there was anything he wanted me to change, then I would be more than happy to. He even suggested that I wrote this in a post. I just don’t want this to be focused on too much, I just thought people will be able to maybe relate to it and who knows who it might help.
As cheesy as it sounds,
It’s not goodbye for us, it’s I’ll see you soon.