So I said I wasn’t going to write about this anymore this week, but due to the response and kind words I’ve received, here’s an update. I feel like this blog is starting to take a different direction, so I think there’s going to be a lot more personal posts.
How am I?
It’s a tough one. I don’t even know how I am. How to act, how to feel. I’m very good at putting a front on, I know that very well. I can’t help but think last week we were happy, or so I thought, I never thought it would come to this. This is what I mean, I can block all emoticon I’m feeling, and then when it comes to writing this, its proving difficult. In the last post I mentioned my worries coming back to work. It’s hard, when you feel lost and no one knows how to act around you, or what to say. When you feel like everyone’s eyes are on you. I am struggling to sleep and struggling to eat. In fact, the stress is really effecting me. Weight just seems to be dropping off of me, I don’t feel hungry at all, I can go to eat something and feel like it’s going to come straight back up, which makes it difficult to swallow. I just don’t feel like eating. I don’t know what the future for me is.
I’m just so lost right now. I just don’t know what my purpose is anymore.
Listening to people’s opinions is hard too. I have messages of encouragement and love, and then I have messages of harshness. I am trying my hardest to pick myself up, and when people are just being so harsh and narrow minded, it puts me back down. I am trying to fix myself, and its not easy when there’s people sending me messages of negativity. I’m hurt enough, I don’t need anymore wounds created to try and fix. Then there’s people who still don’t know yet. Yet you just answer their questions and don’t tell them whats happened, because you don’t want them to feel bad. That’s difficult. It’s just a reminder of what you had.
You’d probably of thought I would of spent most nights in my pajamas, eating ice-cream and watching chick flicks. Instead I’m trying to sort where I’m going to live, through choice, but that’s for another post.
My head is one big cloudy mess. I’m being told to look after myself, which I know I need to do but I can’t help caring for the other person involved. I would of gave him the world if I could. It takes a while to break through the barriers, but I have such a big heart. I should of known something was wrong sooner. I only want to do the right thing. If you are reading this, I know your going through the same. I sincerely hope your okay.
Whatever you want, whatever you need, just know I’m right here.