I think it’s easy to look at social media and assume that that person has everything together and everything is going fine in their life. I can assure you that that’s not necessarily the case all the time. I can’t really pinpoint when I started feeling this way, but as much as I try to deny it, I’m not ok. I was actually thinking about what could I post on today, and I just felt like I had to stop trying to cover things up and just be honest with how you’re feeling. Maybe this won’t even get posted, but if it does and you’re going through something similar, just know you’re not on your own. It was 2019 when my doctor put me on Citalopram. For those who don’t know, it is a type of antidepressant and at the time, I remember feeling embarrassed and ashamed. Please don’t feel this way, I realise now there isn’t anything to feel embarrassed about. The reason I’m telling you this is because I am experiencing some of those feelings again but also some new feelings too.
I think since around the middle of May, I wasn’t feeling particularly my best, but it felt manageable, and I felt like I was dealing with things in my own way. I mentally/emotionally feel drained, and I think now I’m starting to realise that maybe I’ve burnt myself out. (Bit like my car yesterday, when I thought an Audi was challenging me) It’s no known secret that I don’t sleep well but I’m use to it and it doesn’t normally effect me the next day, but it has lately, to the point where on my work break, I have on occasions had to go and have a nap. (Luckily, I work from home) This last month, I have found really quite tough and challenging. I think it’s eventually caught up with me. Everyone has a breaking point, right? I’m still grateful that the last 4 weeks have had some positive and good moments, I just wish I could get back to “me” again. I think the fact that I’ve been trying to be happy and front it, hasn’t really helped and I feel I just need to ride this out, not force anything and at least I can see and am aware of my thoughts and feelings.
Thoughts I’ve been struggling with are that I’m not liked, not good enough, I’m a disappointment, why am I even trying to blog, my life is going nowhere etc, just not been overly kind about myself. I think because of these thoughts and feelings and a mixture of good and bad unexpected events to happen recently, I’ve just become very overwhelmed by life and having a bit of a mental block. I don’t expect people to understand or even care, but I’m just struggling to “show up” and be present, and I just want to shut myself off. I don’t really want to leave the house unless I have to. I actually bumped into an old friend the other week, and I immediately felt embarrassed. Don’t get me wrong, I was really happy to see her, but I am struggling to be sociable and be the best version of myself and worry how I came across. I have messages that I need to respond to and I did sit down on Friday evening and respond to them but I know I’ve upset some people recently and it doesn’t sit right with me at all, as I only want everyone around me to be happy.
If I do post this, I don’t know how long it will be up for as I’m worried how it will be perceived. It’s not for attention, I actually hate attention as I never want focus on me. I only want to help people, and although this post isn’t helpful, it could just help someone not feel so alone in their thoughts and feelings. I am going to try and continue blogging, as it gives me something to think about and not be so alone in my own head but I am just taking each day as it comes and focus on getting through that day. I feel like I’ve been robbed of control of my own life at the moment and rather than choosing “fight” over “flight” I feel like the only option there has been for me is “flight” because I don’t feel like I have the energy to do the other option. This week I have been trying to write in the notes on my phone, one positive that has happened each day, some days I have been having to look a bit harder but I do believe no matter how small it is, you can find something.
Going back to the doctors has been a thought in the back of my head, but until I feel like I’ve done everything I can do, I don’t really want to go back there. I feel like the last 2 days have been a little better, I’ve had a few wobbles where I’ve cried on my own, but I have also laughed a few times, so that is a win. I will also apologise if this post reads a bit jumbled and not really flows very well. I really struggle to open up about how I feel. It makes me feel vulnerable and uncomfortable, but I actually do find it easier to write things down rather than say it out loud. I think that’s why I like blogging because if I say something wrong or not, how I want it to come across, I can just delete words and replace them with better ones. If you made it to the end of this post, thank you. I’m sorry it’s not the normal happy, positive posts you are used to reading, but this is where I’m at right now. I know I will come out of this, and if you can relate, you will come out of this. I shall leave some websites below that might help you or someone you know who is struggling.
Amy x
littlemissminor.com 