I’ll be honest I’m not quite sure how to go from my last post to a new one. Thank you to those who reached out, and thank you for just reading it and for the support. Even in the darkness, light can still be found. The thing is, I hate talking about myself, and I worry that I’m oversharing. Talking and opening up scares me because I feel from experience that when you open up and talk about yourself to people, you are leaving yourself very vulnerable and there’s a chance that people can take your thoughts and feelings, run with them and never come back. There’s times when I’ll be mid talking and be like, “Oh no, I’ve already said too much, and I can no longer take anything back now I’ve already put things out there.” If I do feel like I’ve said too much, after that conversation I tend to just go quiet or disappear for a bit just out of fear or annoyance that I’ve showed that side of myself to people and I’ve put myself in a position to be judged or hurt. I actually did it with my last blog post. Even though there was positivity, my mind went into panic and couldn’t bring myself to show up sooner than a week later. I worry that people will see me as “hard work” or difficult to understand.
I really don’t know where I’m going with this post or the whole point of it, but rather than trying to brainstorm ideas of things to talk about, I thought I’d just sit down and see where it takes me. I feel like I’m rambling, and so many times I’ve wanted to just start this over again as it’s probably very disjointed. I knew I wanted to post something, though, as the longer I left it, the harder it would be to come back. I don’t want people to think this is the tone for all future posts now, or she’s so down and negative. It’s not going to be the tone, and honestly, I’m usually so happy and find the positives in everything. Speaking of positives, I’ve managed to write a positive a day in my notes section of my phone for just over a week now, and I do really recommend it, it’s nice to come back to and I do really believe that no matter how bad the day is, you can find a positive. There is still so much for me to be grateful and thankful for despite the downs.
This week has been a little better. I still feel emotionally drained, but I feel like I’ve been less emotional and just writing things down more as an outlet. I don’t know about others, but when I’m stressed, anxious, or worked up, it makes me need to throw up, but again, that was less this week, which is good. I have been struggling with wanting to keep busy and also trying not to overdo it. The more I’m busy, the more my mind is busy, which then equals less time to think. Being sociable is a bit of a struggle as well, and I feel like recently I’ve probably not shown myself at my best. I just want to feel like me again, and I just hope this rough patch or whatever it is ends soon. I have feelings of frustration with myself at the moment. Frustrated that I can’t just snap out of it, frustrated that one minute I feel happy, the next I feel sad and frustrated that I’ve made some silly mistakes recently too. I feel like I’m a pretty patient person, but I need to have more patience with myself.
I think I worry that I will have no one left. I’m in two minds about sharing this, but stuff it, let’s just be open. I was in a horrible relationship once, and it is one of the lowest points of my life so far. I never knew when he was going to suddenly snap as it could be over the littlest things but when he did and it was often, he would say some of the nastiest things to me and although I feel like I’ve recovered from it, maybe I haven’t fully. He would get right in my face and say with so much aggression that I was a psycho, I need to go to a mental hospital, he would say things like “no wonder such and such hates you or wants nothing to do with you” when I had never questioned a friend or family member having those thoughts about me but after that I did. Maybe there was something I wasn’t seeing, I used to think. He would put a finger on my head and press down and say, “There is nothing in here,” referring to my brain, I assume. That’s just a few reasons, but words stick. I don’t like being vulnerable now in case people think those things, or worse, they leave.
I think its important for me to lay out the reasons for not talking about my thoughts and feelings with people, as if I knew someone was struggling, one of my first pieces of advice would be to talk about it. I would never want anyone to read this post and be like, “I shouldn’t talk.” The times I have been open with people, I have felt relieved and often people give you a completely different reaction to the one you was preparing yourself for, and I mean that in a good way. I think I’m going to leave this post here now as it seems like a good point to leave it. I will finish on a quote as well, I just love quotes as they can say things better about how I feel more than I can, and I hope you all have a really good Sunday.
“The wound is the place where the light enters you.” – Rumi
Amy x
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